Learning.

I don't have a word for what I'm feeling today. It's an odd mix of melancholy and nostalgia, good memories and a desire to understand. Not sure if it's an artist thing or just a me thing, but I sure miss the way things were sometimes.

Being all too familiar with loss,  through the years I've learned to adapt, progressively receding into myself and building a convincing yet impermeable shell, in the hopes I might shield myself from another round of disappointments. But being a little older, a little wiser, I am learning that is not the right move anymore. Instead of dwelling in a constant state of ache or building another wall to hide behind, I am actively asking myself questions, seeking to quantify what I'm feeling, accept it, and move on.

What did I learn from that prior time? I learned that there are people like me, who think and process thoughts as I do. I am rare, but not alone, not the last of my kind. I learned that I have abandonment issues; I hate the idea of not being good enough. I also learned that acceptance starts with me first; others may think I'm cool, but if I don't think I'm cool too, it's not going to work. I learned that there are hands and voices and energies which are designed to destroy, designed to conquer seemingly undefended kingdoms and take them as their own; and that's okay. Things have a way of evening out, balance is always returned to the force lol. I am tired and I ache but I am learning. I have to believe that if the time before was amazing, what perfection is waiting for me on the other side of all this? And how much more prepared will I be to receive it?