Day one.
Copious showers and a general Monday melancholy have drawn me away from the television and back to the keyboard, a place of creative comfort for an artist with no proper canvas. Today is my first day of not having clocked in somewhere in over 15 years. It isn't quite as thrilling as one might think, I assure you. While I did resign from corporate quarters for very appropriate reasons, I still feel a twinge of guilt for not being able to 'hang in there'. However when the thought of your employment causes you to have anxiety (that manifests physically as well), it is probably best to make a change before it gets to a critical point. I rested a lot today, did little odd jobs around the house, and thought after tea I might be able to tidy up my old office a bit. It seems that might have been a bit premature, as I found myself nearly in tears simply from the leftover energy in the room. Perhaps I should have had something a bit stronger than tea.
It isn't easy for me to admit that I may need some time to regroup. Honestly, I don't feel like I have time to. I have an inner impetus that drives me forward, tells me that there are things I need to do, plans I need to execute etc., but I fear at this juncture, in order for me to ultimately move forward, I need to take a couple of steps back. Honestly, I'm somewhat glad that life is catching up to me now; I can only imagine trying to traverse these tidal waves with a heart mate that was cold, impatient and insensitive. At least now when I meet someone worth their salt, I can present myself in whole or in beautiful parts, laid out in mosaic fashion and soldered in gold.
I'm curious to see what emerges next from all this, curious and somewhat nervous, I'll admit. In younger days, it seemed I had less fear, welcomed change wholeheartedly and was keen on the next adventure. Now I'm more aware of how interwoven everything is, and I worry that my...let's call it mental tiredness may affect everything from my social engagements, employment prospects, even the way I am perceived by others. I guess I have to stop worrying, or so I've been told. A comrade recently said to me, control is an illusion and you are not an illusionist (nor do you play one on T. V.). This same comrade also told me to forgive the universe, let the past go. Am I one of those people who buy into that hippy-dippy free range thinking? I guess today, for the sake of my sanity, I am.
It isn't easy for me to admit that I may need some time to regroup. Honestly, I don't feel like I have time to. I have an inner impetus that drives me forward, tells me that there are things I need to do, plans I need to execute etc., but I fear at this juncture, in order for me to ultimately move forward, I need to take a couple of steps back. Honestly, I'm somewhat glad that life is catching up to me now; I can only imagine trying to traverse these tidal waves with a heart mate that was cold, impatient and insensitive. At least now when I meet someone worth their salt, I can present myself in whole or in beautiful parts, laid out in mosaic fashion and soldered in gold.
I'm curious to see what emerges next from all this, curious and somewhat nervous, I'll admit. In younger days, it seemed I had less fear, welcomed change wholeheartedly and was keen on the next adventure. Now I'm more aware of how interwoven everything is, and I worry that my...let's call it mental tiredness may affect everything from my social engagements, employment prospects, even the way I am perceived by others. I guess I have to stop worrying, or so I've been told. A comrade recently said to me, control is an illusion and you are not an illusionist (nor do you play one on T. V.). This same comrade also told me to forgive the universe, let the past go. Am I one of those people who buy into that hippy-dippy free range thinking? I guess today, for the sake of my sanity, I am.
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