Strength, Courage and Wisdom
My grandma is coming over tonight. To say the least, I'm very excited, like little kid excited. When Grandma comes over, we get to watch good movies and get a yummy treat for dinner. Since I've been noshing on brown rice and kale all week (with nectarines for dessert), I'm looking forward to something decidedly more caloric. In an effort to help my mental, I've been trying to eat things with more vitamins and less fake stuff. More water, more tea, more rest, stuff like that. Suffice to say my tum feels somewhat better, my poor brain may have a while to catch up.
This week emotionally has been more up and down than a sound wave, and I've been trying my best to maintain inner balance. My dear comrade spoke on the fact that I need to stop trying to manage other people's feelings and focus on those of my own. Even though this is true, I'm seriously griping about it. Why you ask? Because if I'm not focused on assisting others navigate the treacherous world of Feelings, then that means I have to (reluctantly) deal with my own. I'll have to recognize and embrace the fact that I'm affected by more things than I care to share with the class. I'll have to stop trying to hide all 47 of my true natures, and learn to be okay with showing just who and what I really am...regardless of the self constructed consequences. I mean, what's the worst that could happen? Without a doubt, I'd alienate individuals who are most comfortable with the watered down version of me. I'd probably speak up for myself more, when I don't agree with an idea, though still with Adriatic tact. I venture to say, I'd probably even carry myself differently, not cumbered down with the bonds of hiding myself in plain sight.
Honestly, I am afraid of her, the one I keep stuffed down. I'm worried if I allow those aspects of myself to be seen, I'll be rejected (again). I'm falsely convinced that if I allow myself to be seen, someone may try to harm her again, swallow her down again, destroy her again. I'm concerned that she'll be too powerful, and in her efforts to protect me, she will burn all that do not bow to her expressed will, like a dark phoenix.
Sometimes I feel like I'd be nice to have a 'savior', a kindly being of one sort or another who might bravely lead me out of my darkness into a glorious light. If not a savior then a distraction, someone so charming and enveloping that I forget my worries all-together, and we live happily ever after in some cotton candy cloud. These scenarios are perhaps not impossible, but highly improbable, real talk. Freeing my inner self is ultimately and primarily my responsibility. But I welcome any honest support...and love...it's not easy to undo the years of shadow...
This week emotionally has been more up and down than a sound wave, and I've been trying my best to maintain inner balance. My dear comrade spoke on the fact that I need to stop trying to manage other people's feelings and focus on those of my own. Even though this is true, I'm seriously griping about it. Why you ask? Because if I'm not focused on assisting others navigate the treacherous world of Feelings, then that means I have to (reluctantly) deal with my own. I'll have to recognize and embrace the fact that I'm affected by more things than I care to share with the class. I'll have to stop trying to hide all 47 of my true natures, and learn to be okay with showing just who and what I really am...regardless of the self constructed consequences. I mean, what's the worst that could happen? Without a doubt, I'd alienate individuals who are most comfortable with the watered down version of me. I'd probably speak up for myself more, when I don't agree with an idea, though still with Adriatic tact. I venture to say, I'd probably even carry myself differently, not cumbered down with the bonds of hiding myself in plain sight.
Honestly, I am afraid of her, the one I keep stuffed down. I'm worried if I allow those aspects of myself to be seen, I'll be rejected (again). I'm falsely convinced that if I allow myself to be seen, someone may try to harm her again, swallow her down again, destroy her again. I'm concerned that she'll be too powerful, and in her efforts to protect me, she will burn all that do not bow to her expressed will, like a dark phoenix.
Sometimes I feel like I'd be nice to have a 'savior', a kindly being of one sort or another who might bravely lead me out of my darkness into a glorious light. If not a savior then a distraction, someone so charming and enveloping that I forget my worries all-together, and we live happily ever after in some cotton candy cloud. These scenarios are perhaps not impossible, but highly improbable, real talk. Freeing my inner self is ultimately and primarily my responsibility. But I welcome any honest support...and love...it's not easy to undo the years of shadow...
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