...On Wanting to be Awesome

Confidence. To some people it comes so easy, the self-assurance, the conviction and belief in the fact that they are awesome; perhaps in fact more awesome than everyone else. I find myself on the other end of the spectrum, struggling to make peace with the belief that I am not awesome and in fact much less awesome than everyone else. And having such a solid conviction in this fact, call it a faith even, that I have not yet allowed anyone to convince me otherwise. I hate living like this, and its hard to mask it because I hate lying/liars. So instead of putting on some pseudo suave, my insecurities and vulnerabilities are in open view of the world. I’m like an injured gazelle in the midst of the herd, the predators see my weakness and circle, waiting for the best opportunities to strike. I wonder does this state of denial have an expiration date, after which I might emerge as a balanced and peaceful individual, not needing validation, absorbing each compliment as a confirmation, of a truth of which I already know…that I am awesome.

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